Out of here!

Well, I'm leaving work in about 1/2 hour and won't be back until Tuesday September 5th. Hope everyone has a good couple of weeks!

Dale Hollow here I come...

Can you help those who won't help themselves?

Well yesterday I bit the bullet and did it! I went somewhere I hadn't been in a very long time. It may have seemed like one of the longest hours of my life, I was very uncomfortable, and it kind of gave me an "eeeewww" feeling, but I went there anyhow.

No, it wasn't the gyno's, or to a nasty drug dealers house. It wasn't anything of the sort. Actually where I went was about 5 minutes from my house and somewhere that I know I should go much more often, but just can't! While it really should also be somewhere that I enjoy visiting and hanging out, in all actuality, it's one of the places that I dread the most!

It's my oldest sister's house! Going there usually makes me sad and just plain depressed. She isn't quite the person that I used to know. Of course I love her very much, but her whole aura just irritates the shit out of me. She is ALWAYS, (and I mean that very literally), crying about how bad everything is for her. She is ALWAYS down and depressed. She is ALWAYS drunk, or on something. It just really makes me sick.

On the one hand, I would love to be the one to walk in there and tell her that I love her, that I worry about her, that I know that she can do so much with her life, and that she deserves so much more. To be there for her, to comfort her when she has a bad day, to pick her up off the ground..but on the other hand, it's like I truly believe that she's somehow content with things as they are.

I'm grateful to her for many things; for being the cool sister when I was growing up, someone that I could always turn to when things got really hard or confusing. For taking care of my dad when he was nasty and mean to her every single day, as soon as she stepped foot in that door. For showing up again the next day, to do it all over again. For giving me 2 beautiful nieces and of course for just being my sister. But even after all of that, I still have resentment towards her.

There are many reasons for it, but at the forefront is; for putting herself before her kids, even when they were very little. I babysat more times than I could count, so that her and her husband could go out and party. For always just "settling" for things, when she could have done so much better. For taking trips to visit my dad (before we knew he had cancer) and going out and getting drunk WITH him, basically condoning it! For blowing her exhaled pot smoke in his face, when she knew that he would get irate and call her a loser and shit for it! And my number one reason; is for yelling and screaming back at him, when he'd say the things that he said to her while on his death bed!!!

Now, I know that it took alot for her to drag herself out of bed and head over there to take the abuse that he would dish out to her, but I just can't fathom, EVER EVER EVER talking to my dad in the way that she talked to him, NO MATTER WHAT would come tumbling out of that mouth of his! I didn't live it, so I can't say exactly how it would have felt to be treated the way that she was. Just the opposite held true for me. No matter how bad my dad felt, when I walked into the room, a slow smile would spread across his face and melt my heart each and every time. They, on the other hand, were worse than an old married couple and would just bicker back and forth. My other sister would sometimes walk in the door from work, and just turn around and get back in her car and just drive. She couldn't take it.

I'm kinda getting off topic here, but what I'm getting at is this...
She may sit around crying to this day, about the relationship that her and my dad had, but when I really think about it...it was her own doing. She doesn't like authority (which, I can relate to that, I really don't like it too much either), but she really likes to do things to shake things up. At my niece's graduation she rolls up on a Harley, with Kahlua on her breath and a man 20 years her elder. He's drunk as a skunk and trying to make conversation with each and every one of us as we are all trying to plot our escape route because we don't want to be around the two drunks. It's just pathetic.

Her boyfriend right now, you know, the one that she kicked her 2 girls out because of? Yeah, you heard me right! He's the biggest most obnoxious loser I think I've ever met. He can't hold down a job, or even try to get one. He always seems stoned out of his mind and he has laid his hands on her, on more than one occasion. Yep, she says he's out of there, "in 2 weeks", says that she's just done with him. But she won't be! That's what I'm talking about. She has no love for herself!!! She would rather stay with someone that has no job, no ambition, treats her like shit, doesn't do anything for her, than to just be by herself. There is no way that I can comprehend this!

So, on the one hand, I really feel compelled to step in there and help her change things up a bit. To do things to show her that she is worth something, that things can get better, but I know in my heart of hearts that some people just are what they are, no matter how much you want them to change or to see that there is life out there that is so much better than the one they are allowing themselves to live right now! And I'm pretty positive that she's one of those latter people!

I know that each and every one of you will say that she is still my sister and that I should do everything in my power to stop her from destroying herself, but unfortunately I know that it's a losing battle. That it won't ever work...Ugh!

Off for now! Laundry and a cute boyfriend await!

Stress no more!

I have made a decision! I'm done stressing out. Whatever will be, will just be and I'll deal with it as it happens. Money is very very tight and I'm sure that I will find a way to make it. I've done it before and made it through, and will again. So, that's that!

That's all for now.

My life!

Last week I probably would have written much more, had I not been stressed to the max. It seemed that everything that possibly could go wrong, absolutely did! I was frustrated and stressed to the point that I was starting to have major anxiety attacks. My brain, no-matter how much I told it to, just would not stop, and it was literally making me sick! My ex has lost his girlfriend and his house and is now determined to make my life a living hell, once again. I am leaving for a 10 day vacation in a matter of 9 days from now. Last week, he drops the..."I have nowhere for the kids to stay while your on vaca", bomb. I was furious, and we ended up reverting back to our old ways with much screaming, yelling, and me hanging up on his loser ass! I was mortified that he knew about this for a year, reassuring me this whole time that it was no problem, and now just 2 weeks before the fact, he was doing this shit only because his life sucks and he wants me to be miserable too. I know he COULD have made arrangements if he wanted to. The fact remains, that I am his EX-WIFE and he feels that I should live as miserably as he is at the moment, and that really pisses me off. His life affecting mine at all, pisses me off! I thought him worming his way into my life was all a part of the past. Funny how he will always find a way! So, I had that to contend with. To top it off, money is very tight right now (due to lack of child support and income taxes being due soon). So what that means, is that Brian is gonna have to foot the bill for both of our upcoming vacations, and to help out by way of utilities, the house payment, etc. Now I know that there's nothing wrong with him contributing, while the fact remains that he does live there. What's really bothering me, is having to ask for his help. Of course, he says that he doesn't mind at all...that it's absolutely no problem. But I still feel needy, for some reason. Kinda like a charity case. It takes me back a few years ago, when I was ready to beg, borrow, or steal in order to just get by. (While the divorce was going on). When often, I had to rely on everyone else in order to stay afloat. I DO NOT LIKE THIS FEELING! It really messes with my psyche and my ego. While I realize that it's necessary right now, it still eats away at me. Am I wrong for feeling like this? How would any of you feel?

~~ON THE LIGHTER SIDE~~

Last week I said that I had another funny to tell about the trip. So, without further adieu, here's my story...

I already mentioned that Bri's nephew and his gf came up for a few days. On the first day that they were in, we drove to the little BP that's about 10 minutes away. It has racks of magazines, that are all bundled and sold in packs of 3's for like $4. They are good magazines, but they are a month or so old. We didn't care, it was reading material for the week. We got a few packets of magazines and that was that. There was redbook, cosmo, allure, oprah, etc.

Well, the following day, Brian's mom starts reading Cosmo. You know what kind of articles are in there, don't you? I'm sure that I don't need to draw a picture for you...most of you know that lots of their articles are sexually oriented. So that next afternoon, she's in the cabin reading, we are out on the jet skis. We come in after a few hours and here comes Charley's gf, she's laughing hysterically and saying, "Oh my gosh, you guys just missed it!" I ask her what she's talking about, and she says that Brian's mom has "done it again". Now this woman, while one of the most loving people that I've ever met, she is possibly one of the blondest (if that's even a word) women too! She does some really funny shit on a regular basis!

Apparently, she was reading Cosmo and had the book open on her chest when she fell asleep. They didn't think much of it, but happened to glance over at the article that the book was open to. It happened to be, "Does your relationship need a vibrator?" After seeing that, they were all trying to contain their laughter (and failing miserably) and running around trying to find their cameras, without much luck. She woke up from all the ruckus and was wondering what was going on. When she looked up at the article laying there on her chest, she figured it out pretty quickly and slapped the book shut.

Pic

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Originally uploaded by jlybn1234.

Just a pic of us taken on Superbowl Sunday that I wanted to upload to my profile. I'm having serious issues with trying to do that though...any suggestions?

~~BROWN SNAKE SIGHTING~~

I don't know how it slipped my mind, but while recounting everything that was happening while on vaca, I forgot to mention our brown snake sighting. Talk about scary.

One day while on the lake, Brian and I take off to beach the skis and check out what's on the other side. There was a sandy area, where no houses were on either side for a ways, so we decided to go there. We were walking around; pondering over how large the deer probably were cuz of the tracks we were seeing, checking out the shells and marveling over how large the sandbar was. When all of the sudden Brian says to me, "Oh my gosh, I'm in pain!" I was a little scared for a second, until it dawned on me...earlier in the day, he had told me that he hadn't been to the bathroom in days and that he was really starting to feel its effects. I ask if he can make it back across the lake to the cabin, he says that he can't. Great! I start looking around the beach and see this huge log and tell him that he can go perch there. He walks over, sees that it's literally covered in carpenter ants, and decides to come up with another plan. He tells me to start walking the other way, which I do. I really want no part of any of this and didn't even really care how he was gonna take care of business, I was really grossed out!

So, I'm walking along the shore for a while and decide that I'm gonna take a peek at what he is up to. When I turn around, I am appalled to see that he is perched on the ledge of the back of MY MACHINE! I start screaming..."get off of my machine!" I could see, even from a distance, he's cracking up. He says, "this is perfect!" So yes, I'm standing there watching the man I love and adore, pooping in the lake. Just the vision, makes me shudder! So, I turn around and keep walking, still with nightmarish visions of him putting his bare hiney on MY MACHINE, and a few minutes later I hear him calling my name and saying something about a snake. I turn around and he's motioning me over, so I start running through the water over to him. I get about 5-6 feet from the scene and he's standing there with a huge satisfied grin. I ask what he was saying about the snake and he turns, right arm extended outward and says..."look". I turn to look (like a dumb ass), and see something floating on top of the water. I was freaked out that a snake was swimming around in the same water that we had been playing around in for days, and then it hits me..that's no snake, that's his poop! OMG! How gross is that? Not only do I know that he was using my machine as a perch for his butt, but I get to see the end results too?

I really don't think that I want our relationship to be this close!

Ok that's it for now, but I have another up north funny for tomorrow. Stay tuned...

~~LAKE MILAKOKIA~~

Well I know that it has taken me forever, but I haven't had too much time to get on here lately. As I said before, vacation was wonderful and just what we all needed. We stayed with Brian's sister and bil at their cabin on Lake Milakokia. I was a little hesitant about going at first, because there were supposed to be a ton of people headed up there and I just didn't think it would be too relaxing with too many people stuffed into one cabin, but it actually worked out great!

We left on a Sunday morning and arrived about 3:30 that afternoon. The weather was beautiful and we immediately got the jet skis in the water and went out on the lake. The lake isn't huge, as you can see if you checked the link...but it's big enough that you can ride around all day and not get bored with your surroundings. I have some beautiful pics, which I may try and download at work. But my camera has been having serious issues and I don't know if it will work or not.

The cabin is all log and surrounded by a huge wrap-around porch. There are floor to ceiling windows that look right out onto the lake and it has a nice sized loft upstairs, that also gives you a great view of the lake. Brian, the kids and I, all slept up in the loft all week, which was perfect. Sitting up in bed in the morning to look out at the lake, was one of my favorite things about the whole trip. It's just so peaceful being out there on the water.

The days were filled with jet-skiing, tubing, lots of sun, great food and company. His mom and dad came up, along with his nephew and girlfriend. Most of our nights were spent playing euchre late into the night and on one night we actually made it to the Kewadin Casino. His nephew recently turned 21 and had never been before. So, that was kind of exciting. None of us left there with any type of profit, but we had a great time playing roulette for the first time ever. I had a ball.

There was one "incident" that I will not soon forget. One day in-between swimming and tubing and all of that, we were letting the drive around on the 4-wheeler. (This is a small kid sized 4-wheeler, at that). There really isn't much to it...you push the throttle to excel and hit the hand brake to stop...no big thing. Well, Tyler jumps on this thing and decides that he's not gonna slow up very much to go around the curve...in doing so, he just missed running right into a tree. I run over there, give him the dangerous "talk", and send him on his way, hopefully a little more careful this time. He makes it about twice around the loop and does the very same thing again (only with a different tree). At this point, I'm grateful that nothing happened to him, but quite perturbed at the same time. So I get him off the thing and say that I'm going for a ride. Keep in mind, the kids are only allowed to basically do circles on the driveway.

So, I take off down the dirt road, which leads to a little side street. I figure that will give me lots more room to turn around (and I wasn't about to just do a circle in the driveway). So, I'm making my way down the road, make a right turn onto the side street head down a little ways and decide that I'm gonna turn around. I cut it as hard as I can to the right and then start making my left turn. I look across the street and see there are probably waist high weeds and figure that I can turn a little ways into them, it won't hurt anything. YEAH, AND THAT'S WHAT I GET FOR THINKING!!!

While turning into the "weeds", I wasn't aware that under those weeds, was actually a 3-4 foot ditch. Before I can do anything about it, I was too far over and the 4-wheeler was falling right on top of me. My leg is hurt, I am 5' tall and up to about my boobs standing in a ditch IN A FRICKIN' BIKINI WITH NO SHOES ON!!! OMG!!!! My head was racing. My leg is pinned and there's absolutely nobody around. I heave the 4-wheeler off my leg and then am left with the dilemma of how to climb out of this thing. I look around for a log, a thick root...nothing. Duh, I need to stand on the 4-wheeler. I stand on the sideways 4-wheeler and climb right out. As I'm hobbling down the path to the cabin, I'm thinking..."man is he gonna be pissed off". Instead, I come hobbling up and he is freaking..."where's the 4-wheeler?" "Are you okay?" "What happened???" I tell him what happened, we check out my leg, him and his nephew grab the video camera and head down to what they call the 'scene of the crime'. They are laughing all the way. I show them where it is and it takes all 3 of us to pull it out. We catch it all on video and I get right back up on the horse and drive it back to the cabin without incident. LOL

My dear sons words when I first pull up..."I thought you told me to be careful mom, and look what you did!" Out of the mouths of babes! I think we all learned a little lesson that day. The last few days of the trip...I was way more careful of that little "kids" machine and Tyler banned himself from it completely, stating that he's a 'bad driver'. LOL

So, that's the gist of my little vaca. It's been just shy of 2 weeks and I still have a slight bruise on the inside of my left calf and a red burn on the opposite side. Daily reminders of my 4-wheeling stint. Will keep you posted as to just how long a bruise can actually last. (I'm thinking maybe another week or so.)