Monday, August 21, 2006

Can you help those who won't help themselves?

Well yesterday I bit the bullet and did it! I went somewhere I hadn't been in a very long time. It may have seemed like one of the longest hours of my life, I was very uncomfortable, and it kind of gave me an "eeeewww" feeling, but I went there anyhow.

No, it wasn't the gyno's, or to a nasty drug dealers house. It wasn't anything of the sort. Actually where I went was about 5 minutes from my house and somewhere that I know I should go much more often, but just can't! While it really should also be somewhere that I enjoy visiting and hanging out, in all actuality, it's one of the places that I dread the most!

It's my oldest sister's house! Going there usually makes me sad and just plain depressed. She isn't quite the person that I used to know. Of course I love her very much, but her whole aura just irritates the shit out of me. She is ALWAYS, (and I mean that very literally), crying about how bad everything is for her. She is ALWAYS down and depressed. She is ALWAYS drunk, or on something. It just really makes me sick.

On the one hand, I would love to be the one to walk in there and tell her that I love her, that I worry about her, that I know that she can do so much with her life, and that she deserves so much more. To be there for her, to comfort her when she has a bad day, to pick her up off the ground..but on the other hand, it's like I truly believe that she's somehow content with things as they are.

I'm grateful to her for many things; for being the cool sister when I was growing up, someone that I could always turn to when things got really hard or confusing. For taking care of my dad when he was nasty and mean to her every single day, as soon as she stepped foot in that door. For showing up again the next day, to do it all over again. For giving me 2 beautiful nieces and of course for just being my sister. But even after all of that, I still have resentment towards her.

There are many reasons for it, but at the forefront is; for putting herself before her kids, even when they were very little. I babysat more times than I could count, so that her and her husband could go out and party. For always just "settling" for things, when she could have done so much better. For taking trips to visit my dad (before we knew he had cancer) and going out and getting drunk WITH him, basically condoning it! For blowing her exhaled pot smoke in his face, when she knew that he would get irate and call her a loser and shit for it! And my number one reason; is for yelling and screaming back at him, when he'd say the things that he said to her while on his death bed!!!

Now, I know that it took alot for her to drag herself out of bed and head over there to take the abuse that he would dish out to her, but I just can't fathom, EVER EVER EVER talking to my dad in the way that she talked to him, NO MATTER WHAT would come tumbling out of that mouth of his! I didn't live it, so I can't say exactly how it would have felt to be treated the way that she was. Just the opposite held true for me. No matter how bad my dad felt, when I walked into the room, a slow smile would spread across his face and melt my heart each and every time. They, on the other hand, were worse than an old married couple and would just bicker back and forth. My other sister would sometimes walk in the door from work, and just turn around and get back in her car and just drive. She couldn't take it.

I'm kinda getting off topic here, but what I'm getting at is this...
She may sit around crying to this day, about the relationship that her and my dad had, but when I really think about was her own doing. She doesn't like authority (which, I can relate to that, I really don't like it too much either), but she really likes to do things to shake things up. At my niece's graduation she rolls up on a Harley, with Kahlua on her breath and a man 20 years her elder. He's drunk as a skunk and trying to make conversation with each and every one of us as we are all trying to plot our escape route because we don't want to be around the two drunks. It's just pathetic.

Her boyfriend right now, you know, the one that she kicked her 2 girls out because of? Yeah, you heard me right! He's the biggest most obnoxious loser I think I've ever met. He can't hold down a job, or even try to get one. He always seems stoned out of his mind and he has laid his hands on her, on more than one occasion. Yep, she says he's out of there, "in 2 weeks", says that she's just done with him. But she won't be! That's what I'm talking about. She has no love for herself!!! She would rather stay with someone that has no job, no ambition, treats her like shit, doesn't do anything for her, than to just be by herself. There is no way that I can comprehend this!

So, on the one hand, I really feel compelled to step in there and help her change things up a bit. To do things to show her that she is worth something, that things can get better, but I know in my heart of hearts that some people just are what they are, no matter how much you want them to change or to see that there is life out there that is so much better than the one they are allowing themselves to live right now! And I'm pretty positive that she's one of those latter people!

I know that each and every one of you will say that she is still my sister and that I should do everything in my power to stop her from destroying herself, but unfortunately I know that it's a losing battle. That it won't ever work...Ugh!

Off for now! Laundry and a cute boyfriend await!


Liza said...

wow, take out the part about always being drunk and you have described my mom 100%. you're a great person staci and i love you!! you understand so much shit about me and i love how you still love your sister and defend her even when you realize that she's to blame for most of her problems. <3333

hehe my word veri is "elderack" is that like an old woman's boobs?

Peanutt said...

Well, personally knowing your sister and the way she is and how she has been over the course of her life I agree with her not ever changing herself or the way she lives her life. BUT...I will say, maybe, giving it just one last stab at trying to get her to pick up her pieces may help. I mean, I think its a dead end but maybe, just maybe having someone there is what she needs. You know it took the worst turn when your mom passed and ever since then its just gone progressively downhill....I know how hard it is to try and get someone to turn themselves and how they think and feel about people and life in general is....look at chris...Yes, losing battle, but still trying to be there for her since she's my exhausting as it is. And it is VERY exhausting! Your sister is by far, TONS worse off than her with her booze and drugs but everybody needs somebody sometime.....
If you have to give her tough love, then give her tough love. Maybe an intervention with the rest of the siblings...if they would be willing....but you do what you feel you need to do. If your not up for the battle at the moment, then your not up for it. You can't help someone who really doesn't want to help themselves, but then it hurts to see the ones you love like that.
Ok, I could ramble, ramble, ramble....but we need a break.
Love ya!

Wethyb said...

Wow, I can totally relate, except my sister was getting abused by her live-in boyfriend (the father of two of her girls). No matter what we did, we couldn't talk sense into her. Kind of the same situation, but not. You want to "save" them, but it doesn't matter if they don't want to be "saved". And, I used to not want to go anywhere near my sister's either when she was with that asshole of a boyfriend. Thankfully she FINALLY left him.

Anyway, my point being it sucks seeing your loved ones hurt themselves when they could be helping themselves.