Emotions...

I often think that I was ripped off by being made a female. And no, not because I'm gay or feel that I shoulda been of the male gender, but just because even I believe that us females are complicated as hell!!! Tell me why we have to be so complex? Why do we have to ALWAYS overthink things and just worry in general about every little thing? Why can we NOT sit down to relax without our house being spotless? Why can we not roll into bed and just shut off our brains like men always do? Why do we lie there thinking about the bills, the laundry that didn't get finished, and 12 million other useless things that really don't even deserve to be fretted about??? Why do we get emotional and wanna cry when we see something on TV that a man would laugh at? Tonight, I was watching Hell's Kitchen of all things and when Gordon Ramsey met the contestant he just kicked off the show at her cab and told her he was proud of her and she started crying...oh yeah, I was right there with her!!! WTF??? It's Hell's Kitchen...I thought to myself..."are you serious, you are crying over that?" This is the shit I'm talking about! While I know that we have a nurturing side for a reason....the extent of this hormonal, blubbering, worrying side of us just sucks ass sometimes! LOL If only we could remove our heads when we needed a break from our crying emotional selves...this woman thing might be a whole lot easier!!

Happy

That's it, I'm just happy and relishing in the fact that I don't 'need' anyone to make me feel that way...I just do...

Letter to my son...

I know that at your age you think that you know everything and that I know nothing. I know you see it as me holding you back and just wanting to "control" you, as you put it...but that's honestly not the case. Believe it or not, I was 16 once too and remember what it felt like to be in your shoes. I remember my friends and boys being so much more important than my family...heck, they would be around forever...I really needed to impress my friends, they might ditch me or make things rough for me at school, if I didn't follow in their footsteps. The problem with that whole scenario is that MOST, not all, of those so called friends will not be in your life 10 years from now. Most of those people you won't talk to after you graduate next year. Or if you do, you probably won't a few years after that. I know that you are a kid and that you just want to hang out with your friends and have fun but my problem with you is that you treat me with no respect in what used to be our home...you act as though you could really care less about me. I will NEVER forget the things you said to me the day you left. And you know what's hilarious about you leaving, is that the last straw for you was getting your hair cut. Something I was doing because I wanted to make things easier on you...I wanted you to be able to SUCCEED at getting a job and looking like a respectable kid. I'm sorry for wanting that for you. I'm sorry that I had a car for you and just asked that you get a job to pay for gas and help pay for insurance, I'm sorry that I asked that you take the trash out and do dishes every once in a while....I really am...because maybe had I not expected anything from you, had I just let you do everything you wanted...we wouldn't be in this mess right now. Had I just put up with the lying and the viruses in my computer and you taking things that weren't yours and treating Tyler like he was the most meaningless person on this planet...everything would probably be okay.

I truly hope that you are happy and that some day in the not so distant future you may stop and realize that I really did love you, that I saw great potential in you and that I knew in my heart of hearts that if you reached for the stars......you could grab 'em!!!!

One year later...

I've barely thought about this blog for months now and what are the chances that I'd decide to log in exactly one year later and just feel the need to write?! lol Hard to recap one year but that's what I'm gonna do.

As per usual there have been some major ups and downs. For a while there, I'd almost given up on my relationship with Brian. Things were pretty bad between us. We could barely have a conversation, let alone do anything constructive. There was a point where I was actually looking at apartments and I was going to move out of the house. I couldn't see how things could even turn around. We had both become angry and resentful and it was just not a relationship I could even contemplate staying in. I finally told him that I was moving out and somehow it turned everything around. I can't say that we haven't had our moments since then but that was definitely a turning point. Somehow we have found a way to work it out and I think we are stronger for it. He truly is my best friend and I know in my heart that my life just wouldn't/couldn't be the same without him in it. It's nice to have a happy healthy relationship again. I don't take it for granted.

There have been major changes with the kids as well. My oldest started getting in trouble in August and decided that he didn't want to deal with the consequences of his actions and that he'd be better off living with his dad. While I certainly didn't want him to leave, at the same time after getting into a huge argument with him over HAVING HIS HAIR CUT and him telling me that he's always wanted to live with his dad, I decided to let him go and see if the grass really was greener. Our relationship is still strained and uncomfortable, which just kills me inside but I know it is for the best. The house is so much calmer without him and his brother fighting constantly, Tyler is doing much better and is happier and my relationship with Brian is so much less strained because there just isn't constant animosity and stress.

I did have to go to court last week because my ex was petitioning for custody of my youngest as well, but it didn't go his way and no change was made. He did get actual custody of Corey, which is fine because there isn't any turning back with him now. There's no way he could come back here and everything just work out. He's far too used to not having rules, he is disrespectful to his dad and tells him to F*** off when he doesn't get his way, all of his grades have dropped from A's to B's and C's and he's already had a car accident and left the scene. Thank goodness noone was hurt and he said it happened because he was scared and didn't know what to do but the point is...he has no guidance and has made it quite clear that he has no respect for me and my opinion so I pretty much keep my opinions to myself. Hopefully, he can look back on all of this and realize that I truly was trying my best to do what was best for him...I pray for that day. In the meantime, I will spend every other weekend with him and just do the best I can at sticking to my guns and being a mom.

We acquired 2 dogs about 3 months ago...they are black cocker and britney spaniel mixes. Adorable, but tons of work at the same time. To this day, they wake us up at 6 something in the morning HOWLING at the top of their lungs. It isn't pretty...just like having babies but I'm hoping that they will mellow out in time. One is very mild mannered, while the other is just crazy! lol

Well, I think that about wraps it up for now. It's been nice to write again, since it's been so long. I hope everyone is doing well...not that anyone probably even looks at this anymore but if so... :0) just for you!!!